"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run
to my sister's house and ask her for money."
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned
how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.' "
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh."
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three
out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it."
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself.
You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.'
You know.'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about
me just a little bit?"
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."