11.2.13

How very annoying of you. (An oldie that still makes me laugh out loud.)



  • Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
  • Drum on every available surface.
  • Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  • Ask 800 operators for dates.
  • Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
  • Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
  • Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  • Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  • Set alarms for random times.
  • Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
  • Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  • Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
  • Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  • Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
  • Honk and wave to strangers.
  • Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
  • Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  • Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  • Wear your pants backwards.
  • Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
  • Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
  • Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
  • Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
  • ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  • only type in lowercase.
  • dont use any punctuation either
  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  • Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  • Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
  • Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
  • Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
    "Do you hear that?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  • Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  • Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  • Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  • When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  • Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
  • As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  • Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
  • Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
  • Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  • Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  • Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
  • Drive half a block.
  • Name your dog "Dog".
  • Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  • Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  • Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
  • Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
  • Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  • Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  • While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  • Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  • Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  • Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  • Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
  • Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  • Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  • Wear a LOT of cologne.
  • Ask to "interface" with someone.
  • Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Mow your lawn with scissors.
  • At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
  • Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
  • Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  • Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
  • Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
  • Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
  • Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  • Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
  • Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  • Never make eye contact.
  • Never break eye contact.
  • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  • Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
  • Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
  • Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
  • Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  • Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  • Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
  • Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

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